Lazy Witches

My tiny hedge is now quiet after being invaded by these four. They are witches from Gloucestershire, the noisest witches in the land. They arrived from their home on the Gloucester/Sharpness Canal, and unannounced, walked right in with a blunder of suitcases and bats and clompy heels and battered books. I know Gloucestershire witches, my cheese, wine and freshly baked bread had to be safely locked away, along with the rest of the neighbourhoods’. A witch from these parts will sell anyone’s soul to the devil for a glass of Chilean Merlot and some port salut on a poppy seed cracker. Well, it’s been a traumatic week, apparently my hedge-home has a ley line running through it, so they’d come armed with dowsing rods, pendulums, charts, maps, 5 bottles of gin, 12 bottles of Cotes Du Rhone, twiglets and some wine. I’ve been moved to vent my spleen in this poem, as a move toward positivity. Axe throwing is always a good back up option.

Stop watching Netflix at once!
And get those toads off your lap!
At least chip in with the cleaning –
And stop dropping off for a nap.
Tidy up your cloaks from the floor,
And wash up the cauldron I say,
There are runes all over the garden,
And you’ve barely stopped drinking all day.
That broom can be used for sweeping,
It’s not that you’re able to fly.
I’m sitting here thinking of weeping,
You’ve polished of a home made pork pie.
Bloody witches! All the same,
Whether student or ancient crone.
You habits continue to vex me,
While you noisily take over my home.
Old and young, you are so alike,
You both have the telly too loud.
Your hearing is very selective,
And you bang on for hours about ‘Stroud’.
The elders think I’m too modern,
The young think I’m too square,
I can’t do write for wrong at the mo,
And a moment of silence is rare.
The chanting goes on at all hours,
The discussion of magic is deep.
But I listen and pick up some things,
So I do them while you are asleep.
Banish visitors spell, here I come,
So take down your bats, and away.
I’ve brought in ingredients aplenty,
And your books have led me astray.
So take yourselves back to Gloucester,
Where noisy witches are allowed.
Leave my hedge silent, my cheese unattacked,
And get Shshshh’d all around Stroud.

5 thoughts on “Lazy Witches

  1. They can be dreadful, but from what I gather they have a fabulous diet – unless they are on holiday, in which case it’s symbolically flung out the window. Chinese takeaway, fish and chips, things called baps, but in fairness they do consume an awful lot of olives.


  2. I do hear that the variety of witch from Gloucestershire are particularly noisy and respond to ssshhhhing with outbreaks of cackling!


      1. I have been practicing my cackling whenever possible in preparation for the next round of ssshhhhing


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