Women’s Rights In Trebollocks

I received a letter this morning from Professor Crispin In The Meadow St. Bollow, informing me that my Shrieking Classes are no longer required at Trebollocks County College. I am simply livid. I’m tryping (yes, tryping) away furiously on my wooden laptop, out in the open air, with only a twigless router to guide my words. Having replied to him with the British form of a death threat (I typed kind regards, then scribbled it out), I thought I would turn to my readers for solace – so sit up both of you and pay attention. I fear we’ve uncovered an evil ploy to remove the female teachers from the faculty. Men have played a huge role in setting up the college, and I conclude they are threatened by our female colleagues growing popularity and stature. This windsock of a man is shelving me under the excuse that Level 2 Shrieking is not acceptable to be chosen on the same line as Advanced Chemistry or Grade 6 Leaping. In my humble opinion, there are too many social skill classes in the modern day, and others that shall be sadly dropped include Papier Mache for the Nervous, Hiding Grade 3 & 4, and Working With Semtex: From A Creative Standpoint. I sat there and politely thought….f**kers. All these classes are run by the women above, Ivy Fowlpest (far left) has been wise to this skullduggery for 18 months, she alerted the sisterhood and formed a plan, as you can probably tell from her sinister glare.

I did some detective work, and put on shoes made from underpants to muffle my footsteps. Then in the dead of night, I shuffled to the library in the most shuffly of steps. I cunningly broke in through a window by throwing a brick. Any stealth factor attributed to my special shoes was at once rendered utterly pointless by the sound of shattering glass. Deepest Bugger. After a long chase with the rozzers and their sodding blue lights, I hid and fought off a conniption fit. I calmed myself and examined a bunch of papers I’d grabbed just as the alarms were going off.

Well, the document I found is very interesting. And if I dare resurface and risk arrest, I shall submit it to the Board of Long Discussions and Frowning next Tuesday. It reads as follows….

Women have long been a part of building Trebollocks County College, and in the early days when they knew their place, this was a positive and welcome part of our team. The offices had fresh flowers, home made cake to eat, and I had a new tank top every christmas. However, recent developments within the voting system have allowed such females to have a voice in how our political system functions. Women are now allowed to openly drive a motor car, own up to two goldfish, and we find they have been campaigning behind our backs to be allowed indoors at lunchtime when it is raining.
The woman in the photograph below, has been happy to squat and kneel for the last seven years of her employment. But other women, like the one standing in the background, has filled her head with hormonal nonsense. She has been encouraged to learn to read and write, and not simply just fish cards out of a draw haphazardly and offer it to an important man at a desk. Women have formed a secret committee within the area, where they try hard to have their own ideas, develop them whilst drinking tea, and write them down on some sort of doily, probably. Due to the horribly liberal attitude of local councillors, no less than three women are now teaching in the college. This must be stopped. Have they no dignity? Have they no self-control? Have they no housework to do?

In Ireland there was an even more worrying case. It seems the gentleman in charge of the local library left the door unlocked one evening and two women got in and got hold of a book.

This picture shows the two females and their curious and bewildered expressions as they grab the book and try to understand it. Security showed them taking forty two minutes before they turned the book up the right way. The shocking thing to note, is that the woman on the right clearly thinks the situation is amusing. They were jailed for three years each, after they were found in the homes of other women, telling them what they had seen in the book. Had the book been about babies or cookery, the sentence would have been less. But the book was about money, and investments. One of the women later went to the bank for advice (I ask you!) on an account for her family savings, thus shaming herself and her husband in the process. Her husband has cut all ties with her, branding her hysterical and unbalanced. The library is now locked at all times, except for the entry of gentlemen with special members keys. A gun sentry has been set up in the event of more women trying to get into the library.

I therefore am taking an axe to these female teachers, and their fluffy-headed classes. I am sure, Sirs, that you are in agreement and that I can count upon your support. I have an article from Dr. Unctious Moog, stating that women are a danger to themselves and others when in the possession of information. He is submitting the brain scan results of a woman studying for a degree, which clearly shows extensive damage to the brain cells, and shows an overload of information stored in the Piffle Gland. This overload causes hysteria, solitary decision making, hormonal outbursts, answering back, witchcraft and other alarming symptoms.

Yours, 
Crisp.

So, I’m dreadfully torn between blowing the whistle, and risking arrest. I decided to use my finest hiding skills and lurk somewhere I would never be found. I am sleeping tonight on the roof of the local nick. My dilemma is, it’s started to rain and I need a wee.
If any of you dear people are nearby, could you pop down with an invisibility cloak? I’d be most grateful, I could run back to the hedge and pretend to get the iron out in case the rozzers arrive….