Clopton Mandrill Village Fayre

Good evening, my little pogo sticks! I trust you are hale and hearty (both of you). Today has been a grand occasion. Since moving to my hedge in Gloucestershire, I am now accepted as a local within the village of Clopton Mandrill. Today was the Village Fayre, we all attended in our best finery (I wore my best sack dress which I nicked from the docks, and wore cow parsley in my beard). Aunt Gourd visited for the day, and brought stories to read to the cattle and sheep. I just let her crack on with that….

It was a marvellous sight by the canal, men and women flocked to the waterside and pointed at things. Some people stood on the bridge and pointed at the people pointing at things. The spotty youth in the foreground became fractious about the woollen bathing suit he was wearing (the Wool Rash has only just gone). He dispersed the crowd by shouting. He’s a frightful boy, with breath like a boar’s arse.

On a high note, we gained entry into the fayre in the big manor house by handing over our worldly possessions, in exchange for very little information on the event timings, and no social graces. This pleased me no end. It seems this yearly extravaganza is popular with folks (not local) who are as thick as month old cowpats. Apparently walking straight at someone while not paying attention is a marvellous sport here, as is stopping in the middle of a thoroughfare without warning. Both sports require vacant eyes and mouth breathing. I must look into the health benefits of this.

I did encounter a problem at one of the minor arenas. Cotswold Morris Dancers. Now, please don’t misunderstand me, every man with his hanky and long socks needs an outlet for the rage and misery of working in accountancy. But behind this band of leaping buggers there is a far greater threat to my sanity. The Accordionist. A gentleman, in my opinion, is a man who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn’t. I shall post further about this problem, as I don’t feel it prudent to vent my spleen on an otherwise joyful day.

It is a well known fact that every single dog in the UK attends this event. Aunt Gourd was thrilled and read Hansel and Gretel to seventy-four labradors, ninety-two spaniels, two thousand and fifty one Jack Russells, and the Berkeley Hounds. I’m not convinced they were all listening, although it was nice to sit with them, as they were intellectually more stimulating than their owners. Later in the day, she tried reading The Little Match Girl to an Irish Wolfhound, who ate the book then yacked it up on the path to the beer tent.

In the Crafts area these charming children were selling jars of poisonous things and all manner of noxious plants and substances. Part of their sales patter was reeling off the efficacy of their wares by listing the number of people who’d dropped off the census since they’d begun making them and ‘disappeared’. The display was fascinating, I purchased two jars of hemlock preserve and a spike imbued with digitalis (I have an awkward neighbour). I do champion industry in the youth of today. Sardine (on the left) is of French origin, and is hoping to find a career in holistic medicine.

On another stall were the Quedgeley Toad Balancers, who in my opinion, have become very elitist. They now have a uniform of white suits and have an air of superiority they’ve not earned. By the time they performed in the arena, they were too far gone on pints of Matted Thatch to balance themselves, let alone toads.

After wandering for hours, taking in the marvels, we visited the refreshment tent. I wish Aunt Vom was here, she would have enjoyed the company very much. On the above left photo, is Blandula Flap, a local woman who prides herself on holding two cups full of vodka on her bosom. She can do this even when running for a tram. The dear woman is using it as vital medicine, as she has politicians boarding with her. The woman on the right is Gert Sponk, and her sole aim in life is to turn her eyes a full 36o degrees, just by staring inwardly. Curiously, she also seems to need a good deal of vodka.

At the centre arena, we found the marvellous six-headed woman. Her name is Mary-Ann-Bette-Penelope-Violet-Colin. She’s the only six-headed woman in the UK with one male head. Bizarrely, the one thing that makes her unusual, is the head called Colin who saps the living energy out of you just by talking. Colin is a bellend. Thus, the other five heads drank the refreshment tent out of vodka.

Well, I’m back in the hedge now, the bats are asleep. They’ve enjoyed hanging about at the fayre with their local friends, but I don’t like them staying out too long. There’s a local gang by the bridges, and they are quite rebellious. It’s an early start for me tomorrow, I’m going to teach Shrieking Grade 1 at Gloucester College as a trial for a new teaching position. Wish me luck, and may a local goat stare at you for a long time.

4 thoughts on “Clopton Mandrill Village Fayre

  1. Dearest Aunt Bernard,

    How lovely to find your literary repose here on this latest invention of Charles Babbington. What wonders that man has made! It sounds like a wonderful day.

    What horrid breath that young lad has! We used to have the same problem at Theological College. The Bishop used to give us something to gargle to cleanse the breath, before we changed into our Vestiary. I must find out what that was and we can suggest he try this? If it a delicate subject I can approach the lad. As you know, I am more than happy to accommodate.

    Mouth breathing is rather a fun pass time. I regularly practice breathing deeply and heavily before Choir practise. I find it opens the lungs to hitherto unimagined capacities. I am fond of large lung capacities, especially in Choir.

    The description of the Morris Dancing sounds truly divine. Although I am mildly disconcerted about your concerns about the Accordionist. A man fondling his fine organ whilst a group of youths frolicking and leaping in front of him is almost obligatory for a good day out in my books. Especially at a Country Fair.

    I believe I may have met Colin. I attended a theological discussion at a local Inn, a veritable palace of high culture and ill repute. The person was allegedly female, however she did have the distinct effect described of Colin on one. Perhaps the other heads were hiding, or having a night off? They were possibly pretending to be a robustly large and heaving bosom, which being a man of the cloth I did not even notice. Perhaps the movements were caused by snoring? Or worse still, mouth breathing?

    I trust Aunt Vom is well? Please send her my regards. Possibly wait until she has taken her Laudanum to do so.

    Must shoot, the Bishop wishes my presence at the Altar. He is not a man to be kept waiting. I am also certain, based on past experience, that he will not be long.

    Much Love, Father Priaprismus.


    1. Good evening, Father. Thankyou for your kind letter. It would be very kind if you could share the breath cleansing gargle you mention. I’m not sure I share your views on the Accordionist, while I champion a man working his fine organ in public, this is akin to playing the Occarina, which is tantamount to being rude with a tortoise under the guise of music. I will pass on your regards to Aunt Vom, and pray she respond without her usual expletives. One can only hope. A blessing of owl pellets in your morning cereals. B


  2. What a wonderful picture you paint of your day out. I can see it all happening before me as clearly as if I had been there myself,and I was transported back to my childhood when my village had similar celebrations. Your powers of description are amazing and should be recognised, particularly by the medical fraternity for remedies for those who have collapsed from too much laughing.


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