Aunt Vom and the Great Feminist Uprising

What a week. Dear Vomica came to visit at Yuletide and never left. She is now a permanent resident of Clopton Mandrill, which is making the locals uneasy. Vom (we call her Vom for affectionate purposes), is the slightly younger, fiesty one that has a habit of being collared by the cozzers. Early on Sunday morning, she clubbed on my front door with the wooden leg of a local man, who happened to be lying unconscious in my garden. I decided I didn’t want an explanation, and thankfully, she didn’t offer one.

Her mood was so foul, I could see it in a fine mist around her, hissing and fizzing as she walked in. It appeared that our local parish council had had a collective conniption fit when she put her name forward to stand as councillor, and issued a letter claiming such an idea was not welcome after a unanimous vote. What had got her emitting blue lights from her bottom was that it was on the grounds she was a woman, despite her marvellous beard and criminal record.

I note that the gentlemen on the council are stuffed shirts and all moustache, but this was something else, and I feared it was darkly connected to our involvement in the theft of the Library Trolley, which is rather brilliantly documented here. It seems the main objector was Mr Stanton St. Bladdery-Bowhurst (below), an unpopular, flatulent, rotund man, feared by the village, and unequivocally hated by most dogs. You can tell the sort – all money but no desire to buy a decent ‘syrup’, instead favouring this dreadful barnet. His main passtimes are lying, penalising decent folk for plain speaking and bloody trousering the rewards. He’d once tabled a motion to reroute the Severn due to a bizarre phobia of eels that flared up during the Spring.

We gathered the Sisterhood of the Library Trolley just after dusk that evening. By lamplight, we spoke in hushed whispers, wrote things on bits of paper, burned them in case anyone found them, then couldn’t remember what we’d decided. We broke off for refreshment, I cracked open some 30 year old Stretched Weasel I’d been saving, and we finished the last of a chicken bhuna. Rolos and half a twix were thrown in for afters. But then, once more, the discussion returned to clandestine matters, and I’d had to swear the toads in, just for total secrecy, you understand. The bats didn’t give a flying fornication and never listen. A quick weapons check was called, and from beneath skirts and fished from within seams in corsets, a splendid array of pointies graced my table. Between just six of us, we managed to gather the following:

9 swords
12 daggers
4 sets of Chinese throwing stars
11 kukris
A stool
3 sets of knuckledusters
2 sets of nunchucks
5 shovels
2 cutlasses
1 sabre
4 sgian dubhs
2 sword sticks
1 wooden leg from earlier in the day
Vom’s forehead (weapon of choice along with the throwing stars)

The council were due to sit that Tuesday evening, so we mobilised and set to training with the forty-eight hours we had at our disposal. We had no time to waste, Vom put herself in charge – a most logical decision since she has been involved in more bundles and bruhahaha’s than most sailors. I correct myself, she has started more.

It went swimmingly, Turdina Scroteman-Smythe (above) found her niche with punching people, which she practised on her local constabulary and the Verger from St Swivel’s church – nobody reported her thanks to concussion and ensuing amnesia. While in the dining room, Ivy Fowlpest’s daughters (below) gave a workshop in swordsmanship, thanks to East Bung College For Young Ladies and their progressive curriculum. We were ready.

By five o’clock on Tuesday, we gathered to form up by the village hall, and waited for the arrival of the council members. Running down the village green tooled up to the nines was not the most comfortable or quiet arrival, we sounded like a one-man-band cast down a flight of stairs followed by a buggered harpsichord. Mrs Fowlpest sustained a mild injury to the left buttock from a throwing star that broke free of it’s moorings. I kicked myself in the shin with the wooden leg. But, I digress.

As the men waffled and plumped their moustache’s at one another, we waited outside the hall. There was much haw-hawing from the men who were sharing a joke about women cart drivers, at which point the mist of rage began to descend on Vom.

As the walrusy men strode around the corner, the signal to attack was given. Mrs Edwardia Flax-Battle shrieked the battle cry while standing by some pants in a nearby garden. She then vaulted the rhododendrons with a stool in one hand and a cutlass in the other, and set on the nearest man. She chinned him with the stool, and the beggar went down like a sack of dung. We all clapped before drawing our various weaponry.

It was thrilling indeed. Never before have I smelled the raw fear of local politicians, cornered. I clouted a junior councillor with the wooden leg, then caught the secretary round the lughole with the foot. Ivy Fowlpest gave a Glasgow kiss to the little shitehawk who wanted to scrap the Women’s Violent History Month on the wireless. Vom had already thrown three chinese stars and was charging the Chairman with the member for Picklehampton-on-Severn Unionists under her arm, using him as a battering ram. She had a personal beef with both, one was the son of an incontinet chisel maker, the other was a thieving git.

I picked up a sabre and challenged the first person I saw, and to my surprise it was Stanton St. Bladdery-Bowhurst in front of me. As I lunged, I tripped over the member for the North Gribley Green Party and accidentally, ever-so slightly, might have snicked his head off. Not really an issue for the area, unless you’re obsessed with cow farts and tofu. And he was the one who proposed the Canal Licence being raised by a thousand pounds for women with beards. Shysters, the lot of ’em.

We heard bells in the distance, which meant the rozzers were coming. We left the bruised, battered and slightly headless council and ran straight for the pub at the end of the lane. The Clown’s Pocket Inn was very empathic toward Women’s Rights and were happy to hide our weaponry behind the bar. Vom downed a pint of Absinthe, then ordered a Vodka Um Bongo to celebrate. I chose a nice stout with a packet of badger scratchings. As the rozzers entered the pub, we turned our conversation to fine needlepoint and fainting, at which point they tipped their helmets and apologised for the intrusion. We’d hidden Vom under the table, no officer in the land hasn’t seen her mugshot, and she’s done some serious bird for something to do with semtex, and kidnapping a circus man and his pyramid of dogs.

Interestingly, a snap election was announced the following day, and saw an overwhelming turn out. Each member we’d fought lost their seats. Curiously, women are now allowed on the local council. Vom and I are both sitting, I as secretary, she as the member for Clopton Mandrill Ladies Combat Party. Below, is the member of the exiting council who was made to swear us both in as an apology. He was also ordered to take his portrait down, paid for by the people, and badly etched by Hercule. Honestly, the arrogance and vanity of these buggers.

My apologies to the member for North Gribley Green Party, Mr. Peregrine Filibuster. I’m sure it’ll grow back. Maybe you’ll think twice about breaking Plague Lockdown rules in future,

And that, my little tunicles, is how this warty old hag, found her way into local politics. I’ll say pip-pip for now, as I’m very busy of late – men’s safety has been mooted at the last meeting for urgent debate. I’m sure they’ll be thrilled – we’re implementing a 4pm curfew for them, and a 25 metre roaming allowance outside the home, enforced by a tethering system. It’s pleasant and satisfying, this ‘delivering change’ business.

Cousin Glabia and the Splendidly Strange Circus Murders

Good afternoon, my little knapsacks, I do hope my followers are in good health, both of you. The weekend proved to be an unexpectedly thrilling time, I was thoroughly anticipating marvels and wonders when I realised the circus was coming to town. My cousin Glabia (pictured above with her late brother, Glevum) has been a circus artist for the past two decades. I haven’t seen her since Hadrian’s Wall FC won the cup, so I was so looking forward to a good natter over a cup of pondweed wine, and a hessian cracker or two.

Late upon a balmy Thursday eve, Philo Oblong’s Travelling Circus arrived in a long convoy of trucks and caravans. I cemented arrangement with my cousin to dine the following day, then attend the circus. We met at The Belching Frog in the village for a modest lunch of stretched turbot, black potatoes, flat nettles and a white wine jou with a dash of spam. Not bad for a Wetherspoons, and the price was thoroughly agreeable. We discussed the sad loss of Glevum two summers ago, he died tragically from a fall from the tightrope. It had been the second time he’d fallen. (Interestingly, Glevum was just a nickname, he’d deviated his glevum after the first 40ft fall onto a juggling unicyclist). Nowadays, Glabia is still firewalking, which is handy, as one of the circus hands is a splendid arsonist when not in the clink. Lovely chap, apparently, very warm manner, with an earthy whiff of charcoal. Glabia enquired about the health of the bats, and asked politely about my hedge. They were also very complimentary about Clopton Mandrill, stating how pretty it was despite the cricketers. Just as we were finishing our meal, we heard a bang so loud, my chair lifted from the floor. It blew the feathers from a startled pigeon on the table. We rushed from the restaurant, and straight through the entrance of the Big Top. The huge crowd inside fell silent and open-mouthed.

A huge splash had just occured in the Pool of Death, a woman screamed ‘MURDER!’, and the hysteria spread around the arena – although Mandy O’Bandy’s Acrobat Trio persevered with their routine. They were not unfamiliar with being interrupted by a spot of murder. The arena was in pandemonium as some fled their seats, leaving others to attack one another with egg whisks and swallowing swords. Smoke was billowing somewhere on my left. Hubert Fartingale and his Pyramid of Dogs were less calm, and one could hear his plaintive wails as the pack of six rottweilers turned on him to attack. The rozzers arrived, and entered through the curtains to a drumroll and a crash of symbols which someone applauded. They weren’t amused. They cordoned off the Pool of Death, and set to placing chalk outlines on the water, which wouldn’t keep still.

Inspector Bludgeon, of Greater Mandrill Constabulary concluded immediately that there it was a double murder, with two suspects, one attempted shooting, one of stabbing. Glabia thought him so clever, but I was not so daft – the chalk outlines clearly showed one figure with a long dagger, and one with a stage pistol. Hardly nuclear physics. I didn’t like this bugger, he’d nicked Aunt Vom several times on her visits, and I considered he needed taking down a peg or five. I noticed he kept saying words like ‘conflagration’ and ‘pamphlet’ in order to make his moustach wobble in a dramatic manner. I had a flashback to the time Dear Vom called him a total cock. Notwithstanding, he summoned eight more uniformed men to keep the chalk outlines from floating to the edge in the breeze.

But what in the name of the Devil’s Nutsack could have gone so horribly wrong? Amidst the brouhaha, I heard talk. There had been no less than four murders.

Well, this….The Flying Drummer. As you may deduce from the photograph, he’s carked it. It seems he had a six month tryst with another performer by the name of Belicca Diddytoe (below, with Titan the Amazing Cycling Poodle). He would write Belicca heartrending love letters twice daily, and shower her with origami dogs, a habit came under the watchful eye of her husband.

Belicca, it appears, was unhappily married to one half of The Flaming Yodellers (below). They consist of Raymondo and Phleb Pyrothwaite from Barnsley. Raymondo would let his brother yodel expertly for seven minutes before dousing him in petrol and setting him alight. They were an absolute sensation despite the singular performance. Belicca and the Flying Drummer hoped it would be Raymondo who decided to yodel in their premiere, but alas, the coin toss fell in favour of Phleb. As Phleb burst into yodelling (and an epic blaze), Raymondo seized his moment. He whipped his stage pistol from the front flap of his long johns (this caused an amorous woman in the front row to lose all fascination in him). While the crowd were distracted by Phleb, who’d fallen and set light to the furniture, Raymondo fired upward to the sound of flying drumroll. His aim was perfect, and there the Flying Drummer hung in the air, silenced for eternity.

Heartbroken at seeing her beloved’s demise in the air, Belicca clutched her bosom, before seizing a cutlass from an escaping nun. She pushed past Phleb, who was still blundering about on the stage, just as he found his feet, he tripped on the bucket of petrol, and I’ll leave that story there. She crossed the floor, and with one swipe of the cutlass, she sliced Raymondo in two. The more senile in the audience who’d not noticed the chaos, applauded loudly. I feel the need to clarify that he was sliced lengthways, as that is what the rozzers were mostly concerned with.

The bizarre twist in the tale is that Raymondo had also engaged in an unsavoury trend of coitus with yet another of the circus performers. For nine years, he had been indulging in his fetish for beaks with this woman – The Terrifying Owl Woman of Saskatoon. As Raymondo lay on the stage, not half the man he used to be, she struck like lightning. Brandishing a dagger, she chased Belicca up the steps to a podium where they grappled for several minutes. Finally, after a stout punch to the bliffin, Belicca’s strength gave out, and the Owl Woman ran her through. Belicca fell over the edge, with the Amazing Titan cycling after her. The blessed relief is that the Owl Woman was arrested immediately. I’d seen her act some years before in Eastbourne. Frankly, it was shite.

So, there are the four murders. The alert among you may only have counted three – the confusion was due to Raymondo being carted out in two wheelbarrows not one. Allegedly, two separate rozzers thought each half was a whole person after spying his sleight frame on the poster. A misreporting that still made the evening news. Glabia is thrilled at the notoriety the whole episode has brought to the circus. The fame has done wonders for business, earning her two shillings a week and a monthly allowance at Madame Planchette’s Tutu Emporium. She is set to wed Philo Oblong at the next equinox while travelling through Norway. They are set to exchange their solemn vows while death diving. I can only think that Mr Oblongs’ considerable wealth may be a factor in this decision.

I am now sitting with my feet up, telling the dangling bats above my head all about the days mayhem. Thank goodness I have not attracted a mate since my late teens in the tudor era – one can only surmise it is a blessing. Now time for a nip of some brandy that Aunt Vom kindly pilfed from Inspector Bludgeon during her last visit. I have a monkshood bhuna blipping away in the cauldron, and a cowpat flatbread drying on the hot stone which should be ready in 5. Pip pip – and never argue with sixteen geese by a post box, you shall find why in my next ramblings.

Professor Abacus Gulchett-Bunch and the Mysterious Symbol

Good day to you, my dearest hat stands – it’s been an interesting start to the summer – the local conservation efforts to reintroduce bengal tigers to Clopton Mandrill has had issues from the outset. It’s been largely unsuccessful, due to six of the committee being devoured, but positive attitudes and a roll-up-the-sleeves approach means we’re making headway. There are now many houses unoccupied in the village, which is marvellous for tourists, and the volunteers from the Forest who seem not to mind the unprovoked attacks.

Last month, we noticed a strange symbol appear on a noticeboard, which nobody could decipher. There were many theories being thrown, Aunt Vomica thought it was a secret sect of devil worshippers and was holding night vigils, armed to the teeth with pointy things, Aunt Mary Jaffa took it to mean an invasion of satsuma-wielding assassins and is now hiding in her loft. Aunt Girda made the assumption it’s to inform the public that you’re not allowed to tie a goat to that particular noticeboard, and Aunt Bench thinks it’s a love spell from an amorous sailor. Aunt Claymore said if she cared less about the symbol, she’d pass out. Aunt Blenny says it’s fifth columnists again, and Aunt Turgid has had it tattooed on her arm, irrespective of it’s meaning. Aunt Gourd said it’s a sigil containing the secret ingredients for what the Royal Family season their fish with. Lord help us all.

Now, the only way to be sure is to ask somebody extremely clever. I wrote to an old professor I knew from my days of teaching. It was in Cornwall, when I was head of the faculty, teaching Advanced Hiding and Level 3 Shrieking. Professor Abacus Gulchett-Bunch was a genius, and taught Scribbling and Pensive Thinking – and I was filled with glee when he replied and appeared a week later, asking to see the symbol. His beard was much different than I remember, it looked as though he was trying to swallow a hedge. I found his style of beard curious over the years, as he was at one time engaged to Aunt Vom. She was so deeply in love with him, he was the only man she’d never punch or headbutt, and crafted her own beard to match his. But I digress.

He cast a keen eye over the symbol, ummed and ahhed, frowned and looked suprised, then snapped his fingers, mumbling something about the library. I got on the yoghurt-pot telephone and called Aunt Vom, and we followed with haste, finding him in the occult section, browsing through a book on Toad Rites by Dr Eamon Grillip.

‘Bernard, my dear!’ he cried, ‘I have found the answer. This is no love spell, or an invasion, or even a deterrent for goat tethering. Behold! This is the symbol of the Cerney Wick Toad Licking Circle. I have a suspicion that they are gathering again since the Great Sneezing Plague diminished easy access to their suppliers of hallucenogenics. The symbol heralds the founders of the society, Airin and Egidin. Note the strikeout in Dolob’s name, 15 years ago he took the society down a rather dark path and began branching out into tasting other amphibians. The South Cerney Newt Sniffing Fellowship took an extremely dim view of his behaviour and totally kicked off. In a typically British style, they frowned, tutted, and scribbled out the Cerney Wick team name on the Annual Inter-Society Clog Cobbing trophy. They recieved an ominous letter in return, with the phrase ‘Kind Regards’ scribbled out, which all Britons know is akin to a death order. This, in turn, upset the Quedgeley Toad Balancers, who were utterly sick of South Cerney lot lording it over everyone and promptly set fire to their headquarters while large men played bagpipes. Interestingly, it sparked the movement of Toads Against Being Balanced Among Other Things – which marched down Clopton Mandrill Village Green urging toads of all age groups to seize their rights once and for all. For the most part, it was successful, apart from one toad called Ian, who was very happy with the way things were. And there’s the story.’ He sighed with satisfaction and placed the book back on the shelf.

I was thrilled beyond measure – I could coax Aunt Mary Jaffa out of her loft, stop Aunt Bench thinking about amorous sailors (again), and tell Aunt Vom there was no more need for a night vigil. I wasn’t too concerned about correcting the others, apart from informing Aunt Turgid she should save for tattoo removal in case of violent reprisals.

I invited Professor Abacus Gulchett-Bunch to tea, along with Aunt Vom who hadn’t seen him since they parted ways over a misunderstanding about a hole. I made spam and duckweed casserole and put on my best sack dress. We sipped on cuckoo spit wine and reminisced about the old days, when I noticed something odd. When he called her Dearest Vomica several times, she blushed and I noticed her toying with her shuriken throwing star in a provocative manner. Since he’d arrived, she hadn’t punched anybody, including the librarian who raised an eyebrow at her need to take an axe and a sword into the library unsheathed. Before Professor Gulchett-Bunch left, he vowed to tidy his affairs in Trebollocks, and rent a townhouse in Clopton Mandrill, in the hope of rekindling the romance. Aunt Vom became quite docile and girlish, even removing her knuckle-dusters before taking his hands in hers. Could this signal eternal happiness for my violent and deadly dear relative? One hopes in earnest to see her walk down the aisle, tooled up to the nines, with her beard adorned with flowers. So, until next time, my dear readers, I wish both of you a pleasant summer. And remember, if you see an accordionist, don’t forget to laugh. Toodle-pip!

The Naked Tree Man, Some Magic Mushrooms and Anti-Plague Fogging

Good evening, my little runcible spoons, I trust my adoring readers are well? (Both of you?) It’s been a strange year, with few postings, as the wifi in my hedge is beyond the realms of adequate function. It’s also shite. Here in the sleepy village of Clopton Mandrill, we’re still in the throes of a third lockdown. The plague has claimed very few, too few for my liking as there are a plethora of what my mother would have called ‘bellends’. Nonetheless, I’m fairing well, I spend my days harvesting poisonous herbs from the canal bank, being abusive to cyclists and perfecting my aim with my axe when local deviants pass my hedge.

Good evening, my little runcible spoons, I trust you are keeping clear of this common plague and keeping indoors. I consider myself blessed, as a local Witch, as many come to me for salves, balms and charms to heal and bring fruitfulness. Despairingly, this area of my work has tailed off somewhat with this plague, but fate was on my side. Since the plague began, many have approached me to deal with ‘difficult family members and neighbours’, and left me a handsome fee and a free reign to choose my methods. Amusingly, this has resulting in a surge in business which means I’m now considered a key worker and I can roam where I please.

A local woman approached me just before Christmastide, claiming that her rotund and vocal husband is getting on her wick to intolerable levels. She announced payment of 4 groats and a crossbow if I could work my magic. I was thrilled, but admittedly, I fibbed a little as my murder magic has a tendency to go awry. Rather than the standard hemlock infusion and a summoning of the Dark Spirit of Fatal Musings, I decided instead to rely on three stout whacks with a tyre iron which I found far more favourable. It worked – the cantankerous old bugger drifted past me in the canal at 10:46 this morning, and everyone thinks he fell in after a skinful.

Well, I digress. This morning, a contemptable woman who I shan’t name, wished me to bump off her neighbour after he trimmed her bush unlawfully. After carefully checking this wasn’t a coy euphemism, I set to work. It was clear the woman had been in curfew too long and needed some excitement rather than tackle her offending clippy neighbour with dark magic. I needed some special mushrooms. Not button mushrooms, you understand, the proper moody kind. And there was only one place to find them.

This morning, I set off down the track from my home in the hedge and waddled down the windy path, admiring the bloody thwacking twigs that battered me as I went. In the midst of the clearing, I saw an interesting character, secluded in the woodland. There was a naked man in front of me. I would have covered my eyes but I am not ladylike, so in the true spirit of an intrepid walker, I copped an eyeful. His reputation locally, was rather colourful. His name is Phineas Beerbaum-Tree, he’s synonymous with streaking across the village green and upsetting cricketers on a Sunday. There is also a rude word tattooed on his bottom. It’s so incredibly rude, nobody will speak of it’s meaning.

He was standing within a dying oak tree, twice struck by lightning two summers ago. He was what polite society call ‘in the bollocky buff’ and reading Edward Lear poems to a wood pigeon that looked thoroughly bored. This curious fellow captured my attention, so I scuttled forward in the shrubbery and took a closer look. I was transfixed. It seemed he’d fashioned a home in the bark of the tree, and lived solely on some kind of local mushroom I’d not found before. Interestingly, this diet furnished him with very grand ideas, he began telling the pigeon that on Wednesday he’d invite the Grand Mushroom Druid of Sharpness to a powwow, where local visionaries sit and share their notions with one another. His latest idea was dog trousers. Well, bugger me……

I ventured back to my hedge and telephoned my sister, Aunt Bench, on the yoghurt pot phone. It was a mistake. Not only does the woman have a penchant for sailors, but the mention of a gentleman in the nude sent her into a spin. She made a 120 mile trip in half an hour, which is not wise during a plague. The horse-drawn plague guards are monitoring the roads for naughty people travelling unnecessarily, and worse still, a bearded woman travelling with her deranged daughter was bound to attract attention. Her daughter Folly has a simple mind and an adoration for explosives, she’s been known to blow her own feet off before. An hour later, the three of us were in my hiding spot, hearing the naked tree man talking to some woodlice about the plight of the Indigenous People’s of the Americas. Folly was busy wiring up some Semtex she’d brought along with her Fuzzy Felts, Aunt Bench was lusting after the tree man. I was getting bored and needed a wee.

We witnessed a woman near the tree, standing next to the biggest mushroom I have ever seen. This woman had been a librarian before the plague, and a very straight-laced sort too. She clearly wasn’t straight-laced today, she was singing a song about penguins and the dietary habits of matadors – in other words, she was totally off her tits. My dilemma was, how do I take a piece of this mushroom and get away?

Thankfully, nature intervened. It seemed Phineas had, in addition to his mushroom diet, had imbibed a plethora of imported Devonshire ale known as ‘Wizard’s Sleeve’. I don’t know how many he had, but the resulting fart knocked out not only Phineas, but the librarian. Even the mushroom wilted. I seized my chance, scuttled through the shrubbery and hacked off a piece, stuffing it into the pocket of my hessian dress. I noticed the gathering cloud lingering a foot above the grass, it was quite green and alarming. I covered my nose and mouth with my plague mask while I saw woodland animals warn each other and show the slower ones where the exits were.

This gave me a grand idea. I took out a bell jar I found in my other pocket, and stepped forward into the clearing. The gas was so noxious, I saw the brass buckle on my old leather shoe bubble and turn a strange shade of lime. I rarely turn down an opportunity, and an interesting idea began to play out in my mind. Local sanitizing stations were feeble at stopping the spread of plague, and I wondered if I could catch some of the fumes and dispense them for a reasonable payment.

After one week, I am quite splendidly furnished with money. Phineas Beerbaum-Tree has has a 15% cut of my business. I’m going door to door with his dreadful fog and cleansing everything in sight (nothing could sustain life in that stench), and the rewards are good. However, all was not well in the woodland. Folly had blown up the tree Phineas was inhabiting. He became very cross indeed and cursed her to eternity and stole her left shoe. The librarian was still off her tits and didn’t notice.

Aunt Bench had disappeared. I found out later, through the Clopton Mandrill Police Station that she’d been found wandering the length and breadth of Sharpness Docks looking for the Grand Mushroom Druid in a bit to marry him. Alas, the man was already wed to eleven shrieking trollops in white floaty gowns, all clutching cow parsley adorned with cuckoo spit. Aunt Bench flew into a rage and caused a terrible scene at which point she was arrested for acts unbecoming a woman in her late forties. But, for now, my mushroom is in tact, Phineas is still on the Wizard’s Sleeve and providing valuable fuel for my business, and the plague deaths are lowering on a daily basis. Until next time, dear readers, stay safe (both of you). Toodle-pip!

Tales of Witches and Other Curiosities

Good evening, my little chinstrap penguins. This weekend has posed most interesting, with the arrival of a distant relative from Scotland. This is Aunt Agnes of Ecclefechan. She is Grand Witch of the Trossachs, and is well trumpeted within the pagan community of Gloucestershire. She is a fearful woman, and, in all honesty, one does not want to be caught by the Trossachs.

On Friday morn, by the hour of seven, I was carefully stirring my pot of cajun adders, and checking that my hemp stockings were dry when I heard a whooshing sound. As I opened the hedge door, this impressively smart woman landed her broomstick and announced she would be staying. We made small talk awhile, over a cup of pig stubble tea, and chatted amiably about the weather and death. It transpires that she is to perform an exorcism at a local house, where dark things be gathering. (If you know the house, you would be not surprised by this, the family have more ghostly figures floating about than the House of Lords. In addition, the maid doesn’t dust, and I swear on St. Swivel that half these sightings are large cobwebs. They do like to dramatise).

So, on Saturday, we visited the cobweb menagerie in search of ghosts, ghouls and other ghastly apparitions. The first sighting of a ghastly apparition was in the doorway, when Mrs Studley-Constable opened the door. Never have I witnessed a more worthy label of the informal noun ‘munter’ before. Secondly, her husband appeared – Mr Studley-Constable is one that I find unsavoury. He was imprisoned for five years for poking flageolet beans into a hole. The newspapers never stipulated the whereabouts of the hole. We all shuddered. Now he stood halfway up the stairs in his longjohns. I felt my eyes were being murdered when he turned away to reveal the trapdoor still open. I was beginning to regret tagging along, and wished myself home with the toads on my lap, and Strictly via the twigless router. Alas, no quiet night for me, no plantain crackers, and no Bruno Tonioli.

We sat and discussed using a Ouija Board to contact the restless spirit and isolate the issues within the house. There were a couple of locals present, the Reverend from the Church of Holy Frowning sat beside Mrs Studley-Constable. Mrs Prestley-Bismuth was there also, just for the sake of collecting gossip. A vapid woman, with an annoying twitch, brought on by woodworm. Having waited for five minutes, the only thing that happened was a small fart from the Reverend which he failed to cover with a feeble cough. The mood blackened, and Mrs Studley-Constable fell into deep melancholy. When her husband, Wayne, finally entered the room, the table tilted violently, and the spirit spelled out ‘For the love of Mary cover your arse, boy!’. It went downhill from there.

It seems two Aunts from Mrs Studley-Constable’s family, had been wandering the rooms of their home in a state of desperate frustration. Both women in their lifetime were puritans, and became enraged at the sights they never saw when visiting. It seems Wayne would ‘dress up’ for company. Yet, since the Aunts’ death, his arse being bared to them on a daily basis was too much to bear. They’d smashed mirrors, windows, crockery, and glassware. They’d pelted him with trousers during the night. They’d placed sheets over his naked area, resulting in him wandering blindly down hallways and hitting his head on protruding lamps. They’d even managed to mix a Plaster of Paris and poured it into his crevice, to be finally rid of the offending sight. This resulted in him fearing he’d endured the most dangerous wedgie, and we all recalled the night he’d jumped into the canal, blaming his doctor again. (None of us have booked an appointment with the Dr Jenkins since).

Aunt Agnes called to the spirits in a most dramatic manner. She asked of them to be free of the bonds of human existence and free themselves from the shackles of this world. The answer came back ‘Not ’til the house be free of this vision of horror’ After pleading with them further, the reply came back ‘Jog the feck on’. The curtains blew, the house rattled and shook. Mrs Prestley-Bismuth had an attack of the vapours, and the good Reverend cacked himself. Aunt Agnes summoned Wayne and made him put trousers on (with the zip at the front this time). The house settled.

Just at that moment, three pointy women strode in. Locally known as the Ecclefechers, these three are capable of coping with the most fiesty and dangerous of spirits. From left, Priestess Immcolata of Fort William, High Priestess Tracey of Inverness, and Priestess Morag of Hamilton Academicals. They advanced with wands, pointed towards a gathering mist above the dinner table. I wasn’t entirely sure this was wise, as the spirits were gathering above us, but the good Reverend had broken wind in quite an epic fashion. It is unwise to banish a fart with a wand, there is a spirit in methane than becomes most angry.

Amazingly, they banished the unsettled spirits. Unfortunately, they blew the windows out completely. However, all is well again – Mrs Prestley-Bismuth has plenty of gossip and enough remaining eyebrows to pencil in. The Studley-Constables are happy with their new ‘trousers always’ rule, and something new-fangled called double-glazing. The Reverend is banging on about Ouija boards and how marvellous they are, which has sent his flock flinging themselves at Baptists in hope of salvation. Aunt Agnes and her ladies left after a slap-up tea of toadflax crumpets and henbane scones. I, happily, have found Strictly on catch up telly, and recline cheerfully in my elm bark nightdress. Thankyou for reading, dearest followers, may your weekend be blessed with green beans without stringy bits, and may you always have enough cheese. x

Clopton Mandrill Inventor’s Extravaganza

My dear coal scuttles, I do hope you faithful readers are hale and hearty (both of you). It’s been a while since I posted, but a great deal has happened. I have had the plague, but recovered with the assistance of some new fangled inoculation and the sweat of a black toad in my morning tea. Folly is safely contained in, well, a container (Aunt Bench has restricted her movements to an underground bunker for the good of the community). Aunt Vom is in the nick again, the dear woman decided to pick a fight with her local MP. We’re unsure why, but apparently it kicked off after the rugby and a heated argument about expenses.

Well, exciting news! Clopton Mandrill is a hub of boffins. There are many bearded clever folk here, not including the women in may family. We are hosting our annual inventors extravaganza, and people from as far as Murmansk and Dursley are coming. It really is the most thrilling thing, as you will see from the photographs, we are at the forefront of technology in Gloucestershire.

On the shortlist for a prize is Professor Gaston Seagull-Trumpet. He has invented the ‘Rocking Bath’. It’s the most marvellous idea, though he is unable to deliver his pitch to the crowd as he’s repeatedly having his sinuses drained from the backwash. When he sneezes, a cacophony of scents from the Body Shop fly from his ample nostrils at a speed previously unrecorded.

Our next idea (one that I’m quite fractious about), is the Square Tandem, invented by Wayne Trismegistus and his pious assistant Annunciata Copulata. This, in my humble opinion, is not an invention. Firstly, it offers nothing to improve the bicycle. The unique selling point is that it may be parked on Coopers Hill and not roll away. The pair are dreadfully thick and deserve no platform for their nonsense. I’ve pleaded for their disqualification, but my shouts are unheard, in favour of ‘reality novelty’. Odd really, neither has had a relationship with reality for years. Not after a talking cowpat apparently related secret information from the Chinese Government regarding the strict law on sock pairings and the use of egg whisks resulting in immediate death.

Mr Todd Bunce from Shurdington (I still think that sounds like a dog dragging it’s arse across a carpet), has invented a quaint little quadracycle with a mounted gun. He claims this is for the good of mankind, when faced with aimless wanderers on something called ‘cellphones’. This is a man of the future. He has visited the cathedral, and been observed shopping in West Gate Street. Mr Bunce says that people have these communication devices in their hand, and dare to wander without looking where they venture, bumping into all and sundry. These folk are often too dazed by technology to apologise. The shocking gall of this astounds me. Well, his invention is able to mount a small missile which he can launch into oncoming bellends. There is room on the apparatus to store five of these missiles – this is ample within Gloucestershire county boundaries. I worry, however, that if he ventures into Bristol, that he may need many, many more.

Next we have Culloden St.Michaelmas Trout-Farm. This bugger has ideas above his station. His proud invention is locally known as the ‘Roundy Thing’. It’s a unicycle of sorts, but the bounder is too lazy to pedal it sitting up. If it wasn’t for the starch in his shirt, he’d be horizontal. The son of a wealthy landowner, his principal duties have included the receivership of a manicure, and picking out his own outfits, with Mummy’s help. However, he dresses down for these occasions, and pretends to be a self-made man. That is, until Dowager Countess St. Michaelmas Trout-Farm arrives and brings his sandwiches and favourite clothie. Note the rugged angle of his nose – Aunt Vom’s handiwork.

Last, but by no means least, is the invention of Aunt Mary Jaffa. The Anti-Methane Mask. So offended by the stench of others breaking wind in the workplace, she came up with this clever idea of a full head mask and breathing tank. The darling girl wants to campaign on parliament to have these installed in every work environment containing a woman. This has been booed dreadfully in our village, since most of the female workers belong to the Flagrant Buttock Society and are immensely proud of their heritage. I do not wish to damage her dreams, but I do wish she’d stick to worrying about satsumas.

So, there is the line up. I will report the winner when it is announced. Frankly, the festival poses a marvellous excuse to don my best woad, put on my twig couture and hobnob with the elite. Since I am feeling better, I may try my new hair preparation, made from seagull guam and the phlegm of an old boater. It holds in the highest wind, I tell you.

Good night for now, sleep tight and wishing you dreams of the best cheeses and really soft socks. And above all, avoid the traffic cones, in this county, you really never know where they have been.

Clopton Mandrill Village Fayre

Good evening, my little pogo sticks! I trust you are hale and hearty (both of you). Today has been a grand occasion. Since moving to my hedge in Gloucestershire, I am now accepted as a local within the village of Clopton Mandrill. Today was the Village Fayre, we all attended in our best finery (I wore my best sack dress which I nicked from the docks, and wore cow parsley in my beard). Aunt Gourd visited for the day, and brought stories to read to the cattle and sheep. I just let her crack on with that….

It was a marvellous sight by the canal, men and women flocked to the waterside and pointed at things. Some people stood on the bridge and pointed at the people pointing at things. The spotty youth in the foreground became fractious about the woollen bathing suit he was wearing (the Wool Rash has only just gone). He dispersed the crowd by shouting. He’s a frightful boy, with breath like a boar’s arse.

On a high note, we gained entry into the fayre in the big manor house by handing over our worldly possessions and the monetary equivalent of a black market kidney, in exchange for very little information on the event timings, and no social graces. This pleased me no end. It seems this yearly extravaganza is popular with folks (not local) who are as thick as month old cowpats. Apparently walking straight at someone while not paying attention is a marvellous sport here, as is stopping in the middle of a thoroughfare without warning. Both sports require vacant eyes and mouth breathing. I must look into the health benefits of this.

I did encounter a problem at one of the minor arenas. Cotswold Morris Dancers. Now, please don’t misunderstand me, every man with his hanky and long socks needs an outlet for the rage and misery of working in accountancy. But we’ve just seen the demise of the worst dictator who came hotfoot from the Cotswolds to beat us into a life of morosity, and I fear their jolly dancing may be a little too soon for comfort. But there is another threat – behind this band of leaping buggers there is a far greater threat to my sanity. The Accordionist. A gentleman, in my opinion, is a man who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn’t. I shall post further about this problem, as I don’t feel it prudent to vent my spleen on an otherwise joyful day.

It is a well known fact that every single dog in the UK attends this event. Aunt Gourd was thrilled and read Hansel and Gretel to seventy-four labradors, ninety-two spaniels, two thousand and fifty one Jack Russells, and the Berkeley Hounds. I’m not convinced they were all listening, although it was nice to sit with them, as they were intellectually more stimulating than their owners. Later in the day, she tried reading The Little Match Girl to an Irish Wolfhound, who ate the book then yacked it up on the path to the beer tent.

In the Crafts area these charming children were selling jars of poisonous things and all manner of noxious plants and substances. Part of their sales patter was reeling off the efficacy of their wares by listing the number of people who’d dropped off the census since they’d begun making them and ‘disappeared’. The display was fascinating, I purchased two jars of hemlock preserve and a spike imbued with digitalis (I have an awkward neighbour). I do champion industry in the youth of today. Sardine (on the left) is of French origin, and is hoping to find a career in holistic medicine.

On another stall were the once-wonderful Quedgeley Toad Balancers, who in my opinion, have become very elitist. They now have a uniform of white suits and have an air of superiority they don’t deserve. By the time they performed in the arena, they were too far gone on pints of Matted Thatch to balance themselves, let alone toads.

After wandering for hours, taking in the marvels, we visited the refreshment tent. I wish Aunt Vom was here, she would have enjoyed the company very much. On the above left photo, is Blandula Flap, a local woman who prides herself on holding two cups full of vodka on her bosom. She can do this even when running for a tram. The dear woman is using it as vital medicine, as she has politicians boarding with her. The woman on the right is Gert Sponk, and her sole aim in life is to turn her eyes a full 360 degrees, just by staring inwardly. Curiously, she also seems to need a good deal of vodka.

At the centre arena, we found the marvellous six-headed woman. Her name is Mary-Ann-Bette-Penelope-Violet-Colin. She’s the only six-headed woman in the UK with one male head. Bizarrely, the one thing that makes her unusual, is the head called Colin who saps the living energy out of you just by talking. Colin is a traffic warden, against the girls wishes, and he is a bellend. Thus, the other five heads drank the refreshment tent out of vodka.

Next to the Tudor Catflap & Toasting Fork Society, and just in front of the Order of the Sacred Bedpan Dangerous Sports Arena, was the Duck of Philosophy Eventing. This young man typically shows what is involved in the process. The duck seized firmly but calmly, then held above the head. The duck, in a series of resonant and meaningful quacks, orates at length about the tenets the individual could embrace in order to gain a life of fruitfulness. It’s a marvel, however the only soul present that can interpret what the duck is speaking of, is another duck.

The Order of The Sacred Bedpan were not to be missed. Women from all over Clopton Mandrill flocked to the arena to take part. The notion behind it is that you make a pancake for one of the menfolk who wait at the finish line, then put the pancake in a bedpan. You dress in Victorian finery, charge toward the menfolk, and if they’re found incapable of eating the pancake in fourteen seconds, you are permitted beat them to within an inch of their lives with the bedpan. Exhilarating stuff.

This is my personal favourite – The Urchin Death Run. Men are invited to run the length of the sports field, on which several hungry and deadly sea urchins are placed. The full length of the field has to be run without being caught by an enraged urchin. If caught, one is eaten alive from the foot up, though there is a consolation prize of five guineas for the close members of the family.

We took a gentle stroll back to the refreshment tent before home. Blandula Flap was ferrying vodka to and fro upon her bosom, and the carnage that lay about her was astonishing. Most of the unmoving bodies that slept among the table legs appeared to be members of the local clergy. One was awake, Rev. Hillary Mountford-Poon, who’d just tried cheating Vom out of fifty quid in a game of shove halfpenny. Given the state of the man’s trousers, you can image where she shoved his halfpenny.

Well, after a tiring and thrilling day, I’m back in the hedge now, the bats are asleep. They’ve enjoyed hanging about at the fayre with their local friends, but I don’t like them staying out too long. There’s a local gang by the bridges, and they are quite rebellious. It’s an early start for me tomorrow, I’m going to teach Shrieking Grade 1 at Gloucester College as a trial for a new teaching position. Wish me luck, and may a local goat stare at you for many minutes.